What Could Have Been
by Dodger Gilmore
Summary: OK, this is a Literati story. It takes place a while after season 3, so Jess has left. Rory has not had any boyfriends since Jess and now she feels lonely and misses him. She writes him a letter and well, read and you´ll get it...
1. Please Come Back And Haunt Me

**What could have been**

1. Please Come Back And Haunt Me

_Jess. I know this must seem all desperate and weird, but frankly I don't care anymore. I just have to ask you this, even if it's crazy._

_Can't you come over? Just for a while. Come and sit down here next to me, on the bridge. Like before. Please? _

_I just need you to talk to me. To say something._

_Anything comforting. I really need that. And I need to hear your voice again. _

_Can't we just go back to the way things used to be? It was all so easy back then. We talked, laughed, teased, flirted… Then we dated. Things were still great. Not complicated. You were there. We had fun. Nothing had really changed, except that we kissed a lot more. All my dreams came true, my secret fantasies. Jess, don't you remember? It was supposed to last forever. It was meant to be. Obviously it wasn't perfect, but that was simply because nothing ever is or possibly ever can be. If you would've just talked to me, then it would have been. Why didn't you? Didn't you trust me? You could have. You should have! I really wanted to be there for you, you know. Or didn't you? Was I not clear enough or were you to insecure or whatever to see it? _

_I don't know Jess! It's all just so messed-up. I don't even feel like I know what I'm doing anymore. Ironic huh? I, Rory Gilmore, the perfect example of control-freak, now even I am completely lost. Every minute I change between a hundred emotions. Loneliness. You left me and I miss you! I have never felt like I did with you with anyone else. I loved you. And I felt safe around you. I was really happy with you. But you abandoned me! I'm still really pissed at you for leaving like that. You have no idea how much that hurt me! What the hell were you thinking? Couldn't you even bother to leave a note or to call some time and actually say goodbye? How hard would it have been? But no, I had to find out from someone else that you had left and then I had to realize for myself as time passed that you weren't coming back. Don't you think I deserved a little more than that? _

_Or maybe I didn't…I also feel kind of guilty. I mean, I was your girlfriend. I should've known something was going on. Yeah, you should have told me, but then again maybe I didn't give you the chance. Of course I saw that there was something bugging you and you were acting really weird at Kyle's party, but maybe I didn't ask you enough? Maybe I should have insisted that you told me everything. But I was scared, you have to understand that! Since I didn't know for sure that there was something else that bothered you I guess I was kind of scared you were just getting tired of me. And then we argued at Kyle's and you fought Dean, and I just… I don't know! I wanted to go after you, I really did, but there was Lane and I had to help her and plus, I was afraid. Maybe you didn't want me to come with you, maybe you were mad at me for something… That's why I never came to make up the day after either. I wanted to. After you left, I can't help thinking that perhaps if I had come to see you that day, you would have stayed? Or at least you would have said goodbye?_

_Jess, I know it's been a while and you're probably not gonna wanna hear this, you must've moved on right? But I just gotta say this, in case it could mean something to you. I don't wanna end up regretting again, not knowing if things could've been better because I didn't even try. I love you, Jess. I still do. And I really really miss you. _

_Please come over. Please…_

He can't believe his eyes. She doesn't hate him? She still loves him!

To be continued


	2. Doubts, Fears And A Deep Longing

2. Doubts, Fears And A Deep Longing

For a long time he finds himself just sitting there, staring at the letter he already has read and re-read a million times since it arrived about an hour ago. It's just so…surreal. He actually pinched himself in the arm a while ago, trying to convince himself that this time it wasn't a dream. This time she had actually contacted him.

He sighs, trying to look at something other than the letter, but it seems impossible. He just can't take his eyes of it. All the things it says. Her anger hurts him, even though it is understandable and he would have expected worse. Even so, he was not prepared for all these accusations, not now when he had tried so hard to forget… He wasn't ready for the overwhelming feeling when she also made it clear that they could've worked it out if he just hadn't left. A voice in his head had whispered that for so long, but he had refused to believe it.

Then there was her guilt. She blamed herself. How could she? She had done nothing nothing wrong, he can't even see how she got there. But that was actually worse for him, to see how much damage he had caused. He never wanted to hurt her. He didn't think he did either, he thought she'd just move on after spending a little time hating him and being disappointed in him. Maybe he meant more to her than he understood himself…

And all her talk about their good times. He couldn't agree more. It was as close to perfection as you can ever get. They had been happy. And they had been in love. Then he had spoilt it all. He couldn't regret it more.

So what now? Does she really want him to come back there? Does he want to?

She practically begs him to come. She must want him to. She says she loves him. And he definitely still loves her, so… he got to get over there. He got to see her, talk to her. My God, he has missed her. Finally he gets up, grabs his coat on the way out and runs over to the parking lot outside. He doesn't stop even for a minute to think things through, he just jumps in the car and goes. On his way to see her. As he has wished he could every day since he left her…

To be continued

Hope someone likes it and if you don't, I promise, I will try to make it better… Please just review something, anything you have to say.


	3. UNwanted Confrontation

3. Unwanted Confrontation

Jess hesitates for a while, standing outside her house. Can he really do this, just come over? He takes a deep breath and rings the bell.

Lorelai opens the door, expecting anyone but the one person standing there. It takes a moment before she can get over the surprise. The she realizes that it actually is him, just standing there, like it still was completely normal for him to be visiting. Suddenly she gets filled with anger towards him. He hurt her daughter so bad, he just left without anything, and now he has the nerve to just stand there like nothing's happened!

"Hi" he says after a bit more silence, trying to get some conversation going.

"Hello to you too" she says, and he can hear her annoyance of him being there. "You know, I am trying very hard to think of a way to say this and not be too rude, but…what the hell are you doing here Jess?"

He should have seen this coming, but he didn't. In his mind it had just been him and Rory, no outside complications. He has no idea what to answer her.

"I just thought I'd… you know…" he mumbles nervously.

He wants to see Rory! She can't believe him. After everything he did!

"Boy, do you have a lot of nerve! You left, remember? Do you have any idea how much you hurt her? And now you're just back here? Why, to finally say good-bye, cause I'm assuming you're not staying? You know what, it's too late, we don't need that! She's doing better now and I'm not gonna let you spoil that! Got it?"

He listens to her yelling, trying to keep a calm face and not showing her how much her words hurt him. After she's done he just nods and leaves, glad to get away from all the accusations he knows is true. He is aware of all that! And he wouldn't have dared to be here if it hadn't been for her letter. He has wanted to, but never wanted to risk hurting her. Sighing, he starts walking towards the bridge, the only place in Stars Hollow where he's sure not to run into anyone.

Rory hears her mother slam the door closed, and goes to meet her. She looks really upset, so Rory asks concerned:

"Who was it?"

"Oh, you are not going to believe it. That he came here to see you now, after all he's done."

"Who? Who came?" she wonders, starting to realize it even before Lorelai tells her.

"Jess! That little punk just disappears and then one day he's standing on our door step like nothing's happened! God, I wanted to punch him or something!" she says, really upset.

"Jess was here?" Rory questions again, just to be completely sure.

"Yes, he was here, can you believe it?"

"Wh-what did you say to him?" she asks, now beginning to worry about what her mother could have done here.

"Well, I told him to go, of course. Why, did you wanna see him? Why?" she says when her daughter starts to look upset too and doesn't deny that she did.

"I can't explain right now" she says quickly, before running out the door to follow him.

She finds him sitting on the bridge, the first place that came to mind when she was searching for him. He's sitting there, more handsome than ever, although he looks a bit upset. Her stupid mother's fault, why did she have to jump in like that? She can handle stuff like this herself; she's not a kid anymore!

He hears someone coming up from behind and turns around. There she is, just as he remembers her from all of his dreams. Rory…

She sneaks up on him and not until she's right next to him he looks up, smiling when he sees who it is. God, even more good-looking then she had thought...

To be continued


	4. My Mom Scared You Away

4. My Mom Scared You Away

"Hi" he says, still smiling happily which isn't something she is used to see him doing.

"Hi. You were at the house?" she asks, trying to get a hint of how bad it was.

"Yeah, I just…" he starts to explain.

"My mom scared you away" she finishes the sentence for him, grinning.

"Pretty much, yeah" he admits, relieved that he didn't have to get into details.

"She's just being protective, but I really wish she'd stay out of it. I mean, I can take care of myself!" she rants.

"Oh, I know you can do that" he says, smirking.

"Was it really bad?" she asks sympathetically.

"No, it's okay. I mean, not that I really enjoy being yelled at, but it's fine. It's no big deal or anything" he says, but she can see that he doesn't mean it.

"Actually no, it's not okay! She can't do that! She can't just…I gotta go talk to her" she says, now starting to get really angry at her mom.

"But wait!" he calls after her, when she starts to leave. "Should I stay or…? I mean, do you still want to talk or…?" he leaves the sentence unfinished again, looking at her uncertainly.

At first she is taken aback by this sudden questioning, but then she answers him:

"Yeah, stay. I'm really sorry to just run out on you like this, but I really need to get this out with my mom right now. If it's okay with you to just hang out here for a while…? I mean I know you hate it here, but maybe just a couple of more hours. If it's okay…?"

"Yeah sure. If you want me to?"

"Yes. Yes, I definitely want you to. So, we could catch up later? Same place tonight, like 6-ish. Okay?"

"Okay. I´ll see you then"

"Yes you will. Bye"

And he watches her run off, her long hair flying behind her.

"Mom!" she calls as she opens the door. "Mom, are you there?"

"Yeah kiddo, I'm here. What's the rush and where the hell did you run off to? We were in the middle of a conversation" she says, pretty annoyed at her daughter.

"Well, we can continue now"

"Whoa, what's with the tude?" asks Lorelai, surprised by the anger in Rory's voice.

"I'm just a bit tired of you always treating me like a little kid. Like I need to be protected from the real world or something. You know, I am 17, I can handle stuff myself!" she says angrily.

"Well, I'm very sorry, but sometimes a mother needs to keep her daughter from making the same mistake over and over, which clearly was a justified concern. Seriously Rory, I thought you had actually realized now that this guy is trouble. I mean, he left you, have you already forgotten that?"

"No, my memory is excellent, but that's not the point, is it?"

"Then what is the point, because I'm having a little trouble following here!"

"Even if I didn't wanna see him, I should have made that decision, not you! You can´t just assume I want him gone, that's up to me! And now so happens I did want him here, I asked him to come, and then it's not so nice of you to just shut the door in his face!" Rory yells, now getting really upset.

"How the hell was I supposed to know that? Cause last time I checked, we were both still left on hating him" Lorelai shouts, just as angry as Rory.

"But that doesn't matter! You should have just told me he was there in stead of telling him off yourself. God, can't you just mind your own business for once?"

"Fine, you got it. Just don't come crying to me when he hurts you again"

"Oh, I promise you, I won't!"

"Fine!" Lorelai yells and runs off the stairs.

"Fine!" Rory shouts back, walks into her room and smashes the door closed really hard behind her.

She sinks down on her bed, sticks her head down her pillow and starts to cry in it, as quietly as possible so Lorelai won't hear.

To be continued


	5. Actions Always Have Consequences

5. Actions Always Have Consequences

There she comes, a little later then she said before. She looks a bit distracted so he asks:

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, sure" she says briefly, but he's not convinced.

"Really? Because it seems…"

"No, I'm fine. I just had a little fight with my mom, that's all."

He doesn't believe that she's okay, he can see it in her face, but he isn't really sure what to do about it. After a moment of silence he asks uncertainly:

"You wanna talk about it, or…?"

"No, not really. It just… it is what it is. But I didn't come here to rant about my mom."

"Okay" he says, without daring to ask her what she did came here to do then.

"I… I came here to talk to you" she continues, suddenly a bit hesitant.

She waits for something to help her with this, a question about what she wanted to talk to him about, anything from him to make this easier, but he just looks down at his hands.

"I really think we need to get some things sorted out, before we can… you know…"

He finally turns around at those words, and now it is she who avoids his gaze when he asks, the hope in his voice apparent:

"So… You mean you can… forgive me?"

After a while she answers, her voice barely carrying:

"I don't know"

Their eyes meet. He is disappointed, and it hurts her to see him like that, but she can't really give him that yet.

"You just left" she whispers, a tear now running down her cheek. "How can I know that it has changed now? How am I supposed to trust you again? Jess, I love you, but how can I be sure that you're not gonna leave me again?"

He simply looks at her quietly for a while, a blank expression on his face.

Then he gets up and starts walking away.

She watches his back, still crying silently. Now he did it again…

After walking a while he starts realizing what he has done. He just left her, again, right after she told him she loved him. Sure, she had brought up some things from their past that he had wished could be forgotten and he had no idea how to answer her, but he shouldn't have walked away like that. She only said that because she wanted to make things to work out better this time. She wanted to know she could trust him now. Of course he would've preferred it if she just had trusted him right away, but he only had himself to blame for that. Her questioning of him now was totally justified. And then he proves her doubts right by just running when it gets uncomfortable. Again. God, he is stupid. Quickly he turns around and starts to run back to the bridge where he left him, wishing more than anything that she still is sitting there. But when he gets back there she's gone already. He banns himself for letting that happen. He sighs deeply and sits down on the bridge, his face covered in his hands. He blew it. Again…

Rory comes home. Outside the door she wipes the tears off her face so her mom won't see them, but even as she tries to hide her face and walk straight to her room, Lorelai notices it.

"What happened?" she asks concerned. "Is it that little jerk again? God, I swear…"

When Rory tries to walk past her without answering she grabs her arm and forces her to turn around.

"Rory! What is it, you can tell me?" she tries again in a nicer voice.

"It's nothing! Nothing that concerns you anyway. You told me I'm on my own with him, so, fine, I'm on my own!" she snaps.

"Oh, Rory, sweetie, I knew this was going to happen, I tried to warn you…"

"Yeah, you're right, you told me that I was wrong and I didn't listen to you like I should have, cause mommy's always right. Okay, I got it! I'm a stupid kid and you know the world so much better than I do, blah blah… Fine, can you please please just leave me alone now!" she yells and then she runs into her room and bangs the door closed again.

Then she leans her back against it and begins to cry again, more than ever.

She has no one. She is completely alone.

To be continued


	6. A Second Chance

6. A Second Chance

Lorelai stands outside Rory's room, hesitating. She can't sleep after the big fight they had a couple of hours ago, and now she's wondering if maybe Rory's unable to sleep too so she can go in and talk to her. She's not going to be able to relax until she has made things right again between them. After a while of complete silence she gives up with a sigh, figures Rory is fast asleep and turns around to make another try in the morning. Then she hears something. She stops, listening carefully. There it was again! Some sound comes from in there, like a sob. It's very muffled, like she's really trying to hide her crying, but Lorelai can recognize it. She has heard her daughter crying many times before. Most of the times she has been upset about something she, Lorelai, has been the one to comfort her. It hurts her that it's not like that this time.

But maybe it's not too late to change that. She takes a deep breath and then she knocks quietly on Rory's door.

Rory hears her mother's knock, but she doesn't answer her. She is still upset with her and she doesn't want her to see her like this, just to tell her I told you so. She lies quiet, hoping that her mother will just go away. But it doesn't work. Just seconds later Lorelai opens the door. Slowly she approaches her daughter, who's still lying with her head down her pillow. She sits down next to her and starts stroking her hair carefully.

"Go away!" comes Rory's broken voice from under there.

"No" Lorelai answers firmly, but calmly.

"Why not?" she begs, now sounding almost desperate. "Please, I just wanna be alone"

"Sweetie, I'm so sorry" Lorelai whispers, not listening to her daughter since she can hear that all the anger now is gone from her voice, replaced with a sadness that breaks her heart to hear. "I didn't mean to make everything worse for you, I swear" she assures her. "I just...I was afraid he'd hurt you again. But I should've let you make your own decisions, I know that now."

"Yeah. You should have" says Rory, now looking up at her mother, an accusative expression on her face.

When Lorelai sees Rory's face all covered with tears and her eyes all red and swollen, she gets so filled with emotion that she can't help herself any more. Her eyes also filled with tears now, she pulls Rory close to her and hugs her tightly.

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry" she whispers, comforting.

Rory is stiff in the beginning, but then she accepts her mother's apology and hugs her back.

When they break apart Rory looks her mother in the eyes and is suddenly serious again.

"Mom, I really love him"

"I know kid, I know, but are you sure...?"

"No, I'm not sure." She interrupts her. "Maybe we can't get past everything that's happened, maybe it's too hard, but I want to try." she says, firmly. She has thought this thorough and she has come to a decision.

"Okay..." she says, wanting to ask for more explanations, but not daring in case Rory would get angry with her again.

"I mean, I know he's not perfect, but I think he's willing to give it another shot, and I am too, so... Can't you please just give him another chance? Maybe at least you could try to not hate him for a while? Please? For me?" she says, with a pleading expression on her face.

"Oh, I don't know. This isn't fair, you know no one can say no to those eyes" she says, playing offended.

"Please?" she asks again, now smiling.

"Okay, I give. I'll try. I can't make any guaranties, but..." Lorelai says doubtfully.

"No, no, that's enough. We don't know what's gonna happen either. I mean, things last night didn't go so well, as you know, but..."

"We'll try" Lorelai finishes the sentence for her.

"Yeah. I'll go talk to him in the morning"

"Okay. But honey...?"

"What now?" she asks, playing impatient.

"Just... be careful."

"I will" Rory promises with a smile. "Good night mom"

"Good night kiddo" she whispers before closing the door behind her as she goes back to bed.

To be continued


	7. I Love Her, Okay!

7. I Love Her, Okay!

Luke just stands there, watching his nephew sleeping peacefully on his old bed. He sighs as he remembers how it all used to be, Jess living there with him. There had been some issues of course, but as much as he hates to admit it, even to himself, it was quite nice having him around. And since he left, Luke had actually found himself missing Jess a few times. The place had suddenly seemed really empty. Funny. He had always thought of himself as someone who was most comfortable alone, who needed no one. Guess he had been wrong.

When Jess showed up last night, Luke's first emotion was surprise, of course, but it had been a good surprise. He was back. Maybe things could go back to the way they were. Then he remembered why Jess had left Stars Hollow in the first place, and how badly things had ended between them and he got worried. What sort of mess must Jess have got himself into if he showed up here in the town he so very much hated, to see him who Jess also must hate these days? It must be bad, he thought still, the morning after. They didn't get around to discussing everything last night. In fact, they barely talked at all. Jess came into the diner, chocked Luke, asked if he could spend the night and when Luke obeyed he just went upstairs. Luke had had to wait for the diner to close up and when he had finally got up, Jess was already fast asleep.

When Jess wakes up it takes a minute for him to realize where he is. Then he sees his uncle standing beside his bed, looking down at him.

"Geez, you almost gave me a heart attack, just standing there" he mumbles, annoyed.

"Oh, sorry" Luke says, a bit embarrassed that Jess caught him staring at him. "So…?" he begins, not really knowing how to ask him this.

"Yeah?" Jess looks up at him, no explanations voluntarily.

"What are you doing here, Jess?" he asks.

When Jess looks really uncomfortable, he adds quickly:

"I mean, it's not that you can't be here, I just… Are you in trouble or something?"

"No" Jess says simply.

"Then what is it, Jess? I know you can't be here because of me and it's probably not the town you miss either, which is understandable since most of the people here should not still be walking around the streets, but then…?" he stops himself mid-sentence, remembering. "Ah… Of course. It's Rory, isn't it?"

Jess merely shrugs.

"Jess, are you sure it's such a good idea to…? I mean, you really hurt her before you know and maybe you should just…" he starts, but Jess interrupts him.

"Look, I'm getting a little tired of everyone trying to keep me away from her and thinking I don't give a damn about her and her feelings. I love her, okay! Don't you think I know how much I blew it before? Don't you think I've spend every day regretting it? Do you think I would even dare to show my face near her again if she hadn't asked me to come here herself?" Jess shouts at him.

Luke just stands there with his mouth open for a while after Jess's outburst.

"You what? Did you just say you love her?" he asks doubtfully after a moment's silence.

Jess hesitates, then he looks Luke straight in the eyes and says "Yes. I do."

"Wow" Luke says, now smiling a bit. "You really…? Wow…."

"Yeah. Wow." He says, smiling back.

"And she wanted you to…?"

"Yeah"

The two men just smiles at each other for a while, until there's a knock on the door. Luke goes to open.

"Hey, Rory…"

"Hi Luke" she says. "Is he…?"

"Yeah, he's here." Luke nods, confirming. "I'll just go downstairs and leave you two to…" he mutters before walking past her and heading down the stairs.

To be continued


	8. Heartbreaking

8. Heartbreaking

"Hi" she says, a bit shy now, all her determination from earlier gone.

"Hi" he says, approaching her from the back of the room.

After a moment of awkward silence he takes a deep breath before saying:

"I'm sorry. About, you know… before. I didn't mean to…"

She watches him apologize, astonished. He never used to be able to do that.

"I know" she says. "And I'm sorry I brought that up, I just… I really need to be able to trust you if… you know… anything's gonna happen."

When he doesn't answer she says, trying hard to keep the accusations out of her voice:

"You really hurt me before. You could've talked to me. Why didn't you?"

He merely shrugs, at a complete loss of anything to say.

"No, don't do that!" she says, now getting a little angry with him. "Don't just avoid everything when it gets hard. That's exactly why things didn't work out last time. That's why you just ran away without as much as a goodbye. I need that to be different now, Jess! Please just talk to me"

He still says nothing, he just looks down at the floor.

"Jess, say something!" she begs, a hint of desperation in her voice.

He sighs deeply before responding quietly.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know, Jess, I don't know, but you have to do something. You can't just stand there, we need to talk about this, we need to work this out. Don't you get that?"

She's close to tears, he can hear it.

"Yes, Rory, I do get that, I just don't know what I can do. I mean, you write to me, you tell me to come here and you say you still love me. Then what? You say you need me to prove that you can trust me again, but how? What did you expect?"

"I don't know" she whispers, crying silently.

"Look" he says, trying to stay calm "I still love you, okay? And I get that I screwed up before and I really wish more than anything that I could change that, but I can't. Now I will try to make it work better this time if you just give me another shot, but I can't promise anything and… I don't know what you want me to do and you don't seem to know either, so maybe I should just… go home. You don't seem to really want me here and… I think that'd be best, for both of us"

The last words seem to be hard for him to say, and it hurts her to see him like that.

"No" she cries "Don't just leave now, again… I just…"

"What, Rory? What do you want from me? I wanna be with you, you know that, but you don't seem to wanna be with me. Why the hell did you bring me here then? Is it some sort of punishment for before, huh? You wanna get to torture me a bit before telling me that no, you can't possibly forgive me, is that it?"

"No, how can you even say that?" she asks hurt, her face all covered in tears.

"Well, what else am I suppose to take from this? Rory?" he asks, really upset.

"Nothing" she says crying harder than ever. "Don't take anything, don't bother. I thought I knew you. I thought you knew me and knew I'd never do that, but I guess I was wrong. I missed Jess, the old Jess, but clearly you have changed. So we're done here. Class dismissed, we don't need to talk about anything" she ends it coldly and starts to walk away.

"Rory" he says, in a nicer voice now, grabbing her arm.

"Don't" she says, looking him straight in the eyes. "You know, the funny thing is that everyone told me this was going to happen, they all warned me about you. But I ignored them all, both back then and this time. I refused to believe them, I always wanted to trust you. Then both times you end up hurting me, leaving, lying and now you say this! Maybe they were all right. Maybe you were a mistake in the first place. Maybe I should've just stayed with Dean" she finishes the sentence, slowly spitting out every word, even though she can see him falling apart in front of her.

Then she just turns around and leaves him standing there, frozen, staring at the door she closes carefully behind her.

To be continued


	9. The Bridge Talk

9. The Bridge Talk

Jess walks down the street in a blind rage, kicking rocks in front of him. He is so angry at the world he just doesn't know what to do with himself. Why did he have to say that? Why did he have to accuse her like that, why, why! He ruined everything.

Maybe they could've worked it out, maybe she could have given him another chance if he just had given her some time. But now it's too late. It's over, and he has himself to blame.

After walking a bit he finds himself by the Stars Hollow bridge again. Their place. So many memories. The Bid-A-Basket-festival, where he spent 90 dollars just to get to hang out with her. And after the dance marathon, when they sort of got together or at least finally admitted that they liked each other. For God knows how long time Jess just sits there staring at the water in front of him, without really seeing it.

Suddenly Luke is behind him. He doesn't ask anything, he just stands there, waiting to see if maybe Jess wants to talk about it.

"I really blew it" says Jess quietly, after a long silence.

Luke sighs and sits down beside him, still silent, aware that too much questioning could ruin this easily. And it works, because after a while Jess speaks again.

"God, I'm stupid" he says, half-laughing hollowly. "I…. maybe we could've been together right now, if I'd just… But no, I can never learn to keep my mouth shut"

"So… what are you gonna do then?" Luke asks.

"I think I should… get back home" he says unhappily. "She's not gonna wanna see me here now, so…"

Luke hesitates, then he asks "Can I say something?"

"Sure, go ahead" Jess says, looking up at him now, a bit curious.

"I don't think you should leave. I mean, think about it. That's what she'll expect. You gotta make her see it's not like that anymore. Show her that you've grown up"

But Jess shakes his head.

"It's too late. She doesn't want me to prove her anything now, she hates me."

"How can you say that? She asked you to come here, didn't she?"

"She's changed her mind. I ruined it. She… she told me I was a mistake in the first place, that she should've never chosen me over Dean. It's over" he says, his voice filled with a hopelessness Luke hates to hear.

"Jess, I'm sure she didn't mean… She must just have been angry…" he tries to comfort him in some way.

"She hates me" he sighs again. "I'll get home first thing tomorrow"

"But Jess, don't you see?" Luke tries again "This is what you do wrong. You give up. It was just a fight, that's normal"

When Jess gives him a meaning look, he says "Okay, maybe this was an extra bad one, but still… You can't take people seriously when they're upset. They say things they don't really mean."

Jess still looks at him doubtfully, so he continues "Of course she must be pretty mad at you right now if she said that, but that doesn't mean she hates you, okay? I mean, I've seen her with you, she really likes you, that doesn't just go away"

"But…" Jess tries to interrupt, but Luke doesn't let him.

"You say you love her right?"

"Yeah" Jess says, looking a bit confused.

"Well, if you really do love her you shouldn't just give up now."

"But… what if she just turns me down? What if she really does hate me?"

"First of all, I don't believe she does, and secondly, even if that's the case, don't you at least wanna try? If you don't you'll just end up regretting all your life, not knowing what could have been. Jess. Just go over there tomorrow when she's got a little time to cool off. Tell her you're not leaving, tell her you didn't run away this time. Just give it a shot…"

Jess sits quiet for a while, thinking about what Luke just said. Maybe he is right…

"Well, I guess I don't have anything more to lose, have I?" he admits.

Luke just smiles at him.

To be continued


	10. The Failed Smirk

10. The Failed Smirk

He is back.

Lorelai gapes at him for a moment. She would never have believed he'd come back again now, not after last night. Not that she ever had got Rory to tell her what actually happened, but she had never stopped crying, so it must've been awful. And she had kept saying that she ruined it all, that he'd never wanna see her again after what she did. When Lorelai had tried to comfort her and tell her that maybe if she just talked to him he would understand Rory had just shook her head, sobbing hysterically, saying he'd never forgive her. But now he is back.

Jess sighs quietly. No, he had not expected this confrontation, not now. He just wanna get in and talk to Rory and now she's here and is probably not even gonna let him in.

"You wanna… come in?" Lorelai says uncertainly after a long silence.

"Really?" he asks, surprised.

"If you… you want to see her right?"

"Yeah"

"And you're sure you really wanna do this, you are sure you're not gonna let her down again, and you didn't just come here to continue your fight from last night?"

He is a bit taken aback by this interrogation from her, but thinks that she seems willing to let him see Rory, so he nods and answers "I'm sure"

"Okay then" Lorelai says, looking down and letting him pass.

There's a knock on her door. She still doesn't wanna talk about last night and she doesn't want Lorelai watching her crying anymore, so she yells "I just wanna be alone right now" hoping her mother will respect that.

Obviously she does not, because she can hear the door open behind her. Annoyed she turns around to tell Lorelai to go, but she remains silent. For a moment or so she just stares blankly at him, then she realizes that it actually is him standing there, in her room. She quickly wipes the tears off her face and tries to hide them, but it's too late.

"You okay?" he asks nervously.

"Yeah, sure" she mumbles, still looking away from him.

"And, is it okay that I'm here, because I…. I just wanted to… I'm sorry" he finally says.

She meets his gaze now, again surprised of how easy that seems to come from him now. He must've changed, grown up…. Then she remembers that he must be expecting some sort of answer. She wakes up from her thoughts and whispers "Me too"

They just look at each other for a while, him still standing in the doorway, her sitting on the bed. Then he takes a few steps towards her and closes the door behind him.

"I'm sorry, Jess, I'm so sorry about… last night… all the things I said… I didn't mean…" she says with an almost desperate expression on her face.

"No, I know" he assures her, now sitting down on the bed next to her. "Me too"

He hesitates a minute before taking her hand. When she doesn't object he keeps holding it. They just sit there in silence. After a long pause he speaks again "I just wanted to tell you that… if you want me to, I'm here. I'm staying. I mean, if you…?"

"Yes" she whispers very seriously.

"I mean, I know it's not perfect, but I'll try… and I'm not giving up. I… I love you" he says quietly, for the first time without yelling or shouting being involved.

She looks up at him, smiling. "Really?"

"Yeah" he says, smiling too.

She leans in and he kisses her softly. Her lips have longed for this such a long time and she sighs happily. He gets a bit worried so he whispers "What?" in her ear.

She just beams at him, whispering back "I'm just happy"

"Huh" he says, trying to smirk as usual, but this time even he can't suppress a large grin.

THE END


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